Should I stay or should I go now?

“Why are you still working there?”

This was the question my EAP counsellor asked me after I had spent 45 minutes sobbing as I told her about months of bullying at work.

I was surprised. My immediate response was, “The bully can't win.” After all, I had done nothing wrong. Why should I be the one to leave?

It wasn't until later, sitting in my hairdresser's chair, that the question began to land differently. She had just pointed out a bald patch I had developed and asked whether I was under stress.

I realised that my counsellor had been asking me to consider something I had been unable, or unwilling, to see.

Perhaps the issue was no longer simply the bully. The culture that had allowed the bullying to continue for so long was unlikely to change simply because that person eventually left. Perhaps it was time for me to go.

Why hadn't I left sooner?

Pride was part of it. I didn't want to admit that I couldn't fix the situation.

Arrogance played a role too. Why should I have to leave when I had done nothing wrong?

And there was fear of the unknown. I genuinely liked my job and my colleagues, apart from the bully. I wasn't sure I would find something else I enjoyed as much.

I was also afraid that leaving might mean I was simply running away. Perhaps I hadn't tried hard enough. Perhaps I was giving up too soon. Perhaps, if I left without resolving the problem, I would simply find myself facing the same situation somewhere else.

These were not unreasonable concerns.

There are times when leaving is a form of avoidance.

Some people move quickly away from difficult conversations, uncomfortable situations, or workplace challenges. If leaving is always our first response, it may be worth asking what we are trying to avoid.

And there are also times when staying becomes its own form of avoidance.

We can become so focused on proving that we are right, holding someone accountable, or waiting for justice that we fail to ask a more important question:

What is this situation costing me?

It is a difficult question. I know that when I was in the midst of the drama, I found it hard to answer. But what I do know now, after so many years, is that there are three possibilities.

Sometimes staying is an act of courage.

It may mean having a difficult conversation, setting a boundary, seeking support, or developing the skills needed to work through a challenging situation.

Sometimes leaving is an act of courage too.

It may mean accepting that the situation is unlikely to change, recognising that a workplace is no longer healthy for you, letting go of the need to prove that you were right, and choosing your wellbeing over the satisfaction of staying until someone else finally acknowledges what happened.

And sometimes, you simply aren't sure.

You may need support to work out whether it is time to leave, or whether there is something more to try first.

The question my counsellor asked me did not tell me what to do.

She didn't tell me to leave.

She simply asked a question that helped me look at the situation differently.

At the time, I was focused on the injustice of what was happening. I wanted the bully to be held accountable. I wanted the truth to be recognised. I wanted to stay and prove that the bully could not win.

But eventually, I had to ask myself a different question:

What is this situation costing me?

Sometimes the answer is to stay and work through.

Sometimes it is to leave.

And sometimes, the first step is finding someone who can help you see the situation clearly enough to decide.