Should I go to individual or couples therapy?
There is no single right answer to this question and that can feel frustrating when you are already struggling.
The good news is that you do not have to get the decision perfect. What matters most is finding support that fits your current situation and helps move things forward.
One of my supervisors often reminded me that, "In couples therapy, the client is the relationship." I have always appreciated what this highlights: that the health of the relationship deserves our attention in its own right.
At the same time, my own approach is to hold all parts of the picture in mind. In couples counselling, I see three clients: each individual and the relationship they are creating together. Understanding all three helps us make sense of the patterns that keep couples feeling stuck and opens the way for meaningful change.
In couples counselling, the focus is not on deciding who is right or wrong. Instead, the work centres on understanding patterns, improving communication, strengthening emotional safety, and supporting the quality of the relationship itself. Even when we explore each person’s history, personality, or emotional experiences, it is usually in the service of helping the relationship function better.
That said, there are times when individual therapy may be the better starting point or an important addition to couples’ work. For example, if there are issues affecting emotional or physical safety, such as aggression, coercion, problematic alcohol or substance use, untreated trauma, or emotional regulation difficulties, these may need individual support alongside relationship work. Sometimes a person needs space to develop insight, skills, or behavioural change before deeper couples’ work feels safe or productive.
At other times, couples therapy may be exactly what is needed, particularly when the relationship feels stuck in repetitive conflict, communication has broken down, trust has been damaged, or partners feel more like housemates, flatmates, or opponents than a team.
And sometimes, the answer is both.
There is another factor worth considering: the therapist’s approach. Research has suggested that, at times, therapy focused solely on one partner’s perspective can unintentionally place strain on a relationship if relational dynamics are not considered (Doherty & Harris, 2022). This does not mean individual therapy is harmful or the wrong choice. Many individual therapists do excellent relational work. It simply highlights the value of asking a few thoughtful questions when relationship concerns are involved:
· Does this therapist consider relationship dynamics as part of the picture?
· If I am in a relationship, how might therapy support both me and my important relationships?
· Would individual therapy, couples therapy, or a combination be most helpful right now?
You do not have to figure this out alone. A good therapist should help you think through the options and guide you toward the support that best fits your circumstances. Starting somewhere is often more important than starting perfectly.
If you would like to talk further about this, contact me: www.sharonrowland.com.au
Reference:
Doherty, W. J., & Harris, S. M. (2022). Relationship-undermining statements by psychotherapists with clients who present with marital or couple problems. Family Process, 61(3), 1195–1210.